The Hill I Will Die On: Totino’s Frozen Pizza Is Worth Every Bite
The hill I will die on Totino’s is one I will plant a flag on right in the middle of my own freezer, and I refuse to be even a little embarrassed about it: every now and then I make myself a cheap little Totino’s Party Pizza for lunch, I love every crispy bite, and I am never going to stop. It is cheap. It is bad for me. I know both of those things all the way down to my bones — and I am telling you with my whole heart that I do not care one single bit.
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Let me tell you what I love about it, because I do not plant a flag without a reason. A Totino’s Party Pizza is a humble little thing — it costs about as much as a candy bar, it is the size of a dinner plate, and it goes from the freezer to my plate in about twelve minutes flat. But that crust. That thin, crackly, crispy original crust that turns golden and shattery around the edges when you bake it right on the oven rack — there is nothing else quite like it. It is not trying to be a fancy wood-fired pizza. It is not trying to be anything but exactly what it is, and what it is happens to be delicious.
And here is the part I think people miss. I cook for a crowd all day long. I make the sourdough, I roast the big Sunday dinners, I plan a whole week of meals for a family of seven. So when the house finally goes quiet and it is just me and my lunch, there is something downright freeing about pulling one cheap little pizza out of the freezer, turning the oven to 450, and making absolutely zero effort for once. No chopping. No crowd. Nothing to clean but a fork. It is the least impressive thing I make all week, and some days it is my very favorite.
Now, I am an honest woman, so I went and looked up exactly how bad this little guy is for me, fully expecting to get scolded — and reader, I was. One whole Totino’s Party Pizza runs about 720 calories and a whopping 1,500 milligrams of sodium. To put that in perspective, the American Heart Association says most adults should aim for no more than about 1,500 milligrams of sodium in an entire day. A whole day! So my sweet little lunchtime pizza is, mathematically, a full day’s worth of ideal salt in one sitting. I read that number out loud, I nodded like a reasonable adult, and then I ate the whole thing standing up at the kitchen counter. The research did its job. I have simply chosen not to listen.
So here is the hill I will die on Totino’s, one more time for everyone out there side-eyeing my freezer: a cheap little Totino’s Party Pizza, every now and then, for lunch, is one of life’s small and perfect pleasures, and I plan to keep right on enjoying it until they pry the last crispy corner out of my hand. Tell me where you land in the comments. Are you a fellow Totino’s loyalist, a “you could just make a real pizza” person, or someone loyal to a whole different freezer-aisle favorite? Come on up the hill. My flag is planted, there is a little tomato sauce dripping down the pole, and I am not going anywhere.
Hill I Will Die On — Totino’s FAQ
Isn’t Totino’s basically junk food?
Oh, it absolutely is, and I am not going to stand here and pretend otherwise. It is cheap, processed, freezer-aisle junk food, and that is a big part of why I love it — a Totino’s is not pretending to be health food, and I am not pretending either when I eat one. The whole point of this hill is that I know exactly what it is, and I am keeping it anyway.
Wouldn’t a homemade pizza be better?
Better by most measures, sure — I make a mean homemade pizza and I will put it up against anybody’s. But a homemade pizza is a project, and a Totino’s is a five-minutes-of-effort lunch that scratches a completely different itch. They are not competing. Some days I want the real thing; some days I want that crispy little freezer miracle and nothing else will do.
Isn’t all that sodium actually bad for you?
It sure is, and I already told on myself about it — one whole pizza is roughly a full day’s worth of the sodium most of us should be aiming for. But the hill I will die on Totino’s is not “this is good for me.” It is “I have one every now and then, not every single day, and a small treat in moderation is not the thing that is going to get me.” I eat my vegetables the other six days. This one little pizza is fine.
Why not spring for a fancier frozen pizza?
Because the fancy twelve-dollar frozen pizza is a different food entirely, and it is not the one I am craving. When I want a Totino’s, I want that specific thin, crispy, salty, nostalgic thing — not a rising-crust, four-cheese, artisanal anything. You cannot talk me into a nicer pizza when the entire point is the cheap one.
Okay — are you really willing to die on this, or are you just being dramatic?
Both, and cheerfully — that is the entire spirit of this series. I truly believe a cheap Totino’s every now and then is one of the small joys of a busy life, and I am also having a wonderful time defending my freezer choices to the whole internet. Plant your own flag in the comments. I will be right here at the counter, fork in hand, crumbs everywhere, perfectly content.
More Hills Worth Dying On — Strong Food Opinions from Stephanie
- The Hill I Will Die On: Milk Duds Are the Perfect Movie Theater Candy — Another cheap little treat I will not apologize for, dropped one by one into a tub of buttery popcorn.
- The Hill I Will Die On: Klondike Bars Beat the Drumstick — Another cheap freezer-aisle favorite I will defend to the end: Team Klondike over the Drumstick, and I’ve got a blind taste test to back me up.
- The Hill I Will Die On: Hot Dogs Only Want Ketchup and Mustard — More strong feelings about humble food — a hot dog wants ketchup and mustard and absolutely nothing else.
- The Hill I Will Die On: Chick-fil-A Sauce Is the Best Waffle Fry Sauce — A fast-food hill from a divided house, and this time I brought receipts.
- Browse every Hill I Will Die On — the full archive of my strongest food opinions, all in one place.
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The Hill I Will Die On — About Stephanie Longstreth
Stephanie Longstreth is the home cook, mom, and storyteller behind StephanieCooksForACrowd.com. She cooks for a family of seven in Florida — five kids, two cats, and one husband who appreciates a good meal. Four of her children came home through adoption, and family stories are woven into everything she makes and shares. Find her crowd-friendly recipes, weekly meal plans, and real family life on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, and Pinterest @stephaniecooksforacrowd.